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Rating: PG

Summary: A filler scene for "Reach for the Sky." Call it the missing backyard tag scene.

Disclaimer: Lee and Amanda aren't mine, they're the property of Warner Bros. and Shoot The Moon Productions, but I just can't seem to stop writing stories about them.

Author's Note: I started off writing about Amanda trying to deal with her feelings about Lee shooting that guard in the hallway when they were rescuing Billy. She hadn't been close to violent death that many times, and I thought it made a remarkable contrast to how they'd been getting closer to each other, and a reminder that he really does have to kill people sometimes. But then as I wrote, the two of them started talking about something else entirely...an explanation for why so much time passed between "Utopia Now" and "All the World's a Stage."

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It was the evening of the day we had captured the Cyclops group. Billy was safe and sound, and he and Lee had taken care of the high-tech bank robbers while I went on home, as usual. I sighed as I thought of how Lee had earlier "tricked" me into being the one to do the legwork on researching the office building while he got to do the exciting stuff. Then again, I suppose it didn't really bother me to be the one always going back to the office or back home, especially when the alternative involved getting shot at.

Or shooting someone. I kept seeing that dead security guard on the floor, bullet holes and blood spread across his chest. I had to stop and look down at him as we went by, but Lee tugged on my hand and pulled me along, trying to keep me from seeing what he had done. I couldn't believe that Lee had done that, and the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. I mean, I realize he has to do things like that as part of his job, but...I'm so used to thinking of him as this sweet, caring man who's so protective of me, and to wondering if he's as interested in me as I am in him...not as someone who can so calmly take another man's life. And why would I want to be interested in somebody like that anyway?

I had just filled the sink full of water and stuck my hands in when I saw Lee's head pop up outside the window. The start I gave didn't make *too* much of a splash, but I still glared at him. He knows I hate it when he does that.

I sighed as I rinsed the soap bubbles off my arms. Mother and the boys were out at a movie, and I had been looking forward to some quiet time by myself to do some thinking. Lee Stetson was about the last person I wanted to talk to right now. But I did what I always do and slipped out the back door.

*Darn it, Stetson, why do you have to be so handsome?* I found myself thinking as I came up to him. *It only makes this harder.*

"Hey," he said quietly with his usual grin. "How are things?" and he jerked his head towards the house.

"Oh, just fine," I answered. "Mother and the boys are out at a movie, and I was just getting started on the dishes."

"Ah," he replied. I could almost see the wheels turning in his head, trying to figure out why I hadn't asked him inside. I wasn't about to give him any help, and finally he went on, "I just wanted to let you know that we managed to round up all six members of the Cyclops organization, and it looks like we've got enough evidence to end their lives of crime for good."

"Uh huh," I answered, not really paying attention. "That's great."

Lee gave me a funny look, but went on. "Billy's been reinstated full time under Dr. Smyth's orders, and nothing's going to appear on his record. I think Billy's secretly glad that we went to the trouble we did to help him out, though he'd never admit it to me," he concluded with a chuckle.

I forced myself to smile. "Yeah, that sounds like Mr. Melrose."

"Amanda," Lee said, pausing to search my face. "Is something wrong? You're unusually quiet."

"Oh, no, there's just some things I need to think about," I said, shaking my head at the ground so as not to have to look him in the eye. "It'll be okay."

He leaned his head forward and placed a hand on my upper arm. "Can I help?" he asked.

"No, not really, it's just...." I gently shrugged my arm so his hand would fall away. I didn't really want him touching me right now. Not while I was so confused about him.

But apparently that was exactly the wrong signal to send, because he instantly looked more worried. "Amanda?" he inquired, and the look of concern on his face was enough to melt my heart. How could this be the same man I had just seen rip somebody's chest open with a stream of bullets?

I sighed. Maybe if I at least explained the problem, he'd go away and let me think about it. "Lee," I started, then stopped, shaking my head. "I don't know where to start."

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Is it something I did?"

I couldn't help the soft snort that escaped me. Yeah, it was definitely something you did, Lee. And it's not like you can promise you won't do it again, either. But he had taken hold of my arm and steered me towards the picnic table, where we sat down next to each other. "Amanda," he began, taking a hold of my hand. "I know I'm not always the most forthcoming person, but it looks like you're really upset about something that has to do with me, and I'd like to know what it is."

"Lee," I answered, withdrawing my hand from his grasp. I noticed the little twinge across his face as I did so, and filed that note away for later. "It's just that I'm a bit confused."

He gave an encouraging nod, though his eyes looked a little wary. I wondered when the last time was that Lee Stetson provided a listening ear for someone. "Okay," he said slowly. "Confused about what?"

I looked up into his eyes. They were so warm, so concerned, and it took nearly all my strength to keep from getting lost in them. *Confused and afraid that I'm falling in love with a killer,* my mind supplied, though I knew I could never say that aloud. Because I didn't really think of Lee as a killer, though I knew it had to happen on occasion--and because I could never, ever, ever, admit that I'm falling for him. Even after our almost-kiss in the swamp, when his face had been close enough that I could feel his breath on my lips, and I had been only a second away from feeling his mouth on mine...

I gave a start and jerked back. Now I was sure I wasn't the only confused one at this picnic table. "Oh gosh," I said, feeling somewhat exasperated at myself. Usually I couldn't shut up, but right now I couldn't figure out what to say. I put my hands on the table's edge and hoisted myself up so that I sat on the tabletop, my feet on the bench. Maybe with this little bit of distance from him, I could say what I was feeling.

"Lee," I began, looking at my hands, twisting in my lap. "I know that our jobs -- your job -- is dangerous, and I know that sometimes people get killed. And that sometimes you have to kill people." As I took a deep breath, I thought I heard the light bulb over his head click on. "I guess I'm just not used to that, and I'm having a little bit of trouble dealing with it."

"The security guard," he said quietly. When I nodded, he sighed and dropped his head. "Amanda, you don't know how sorry I am that you had to see that."

I shrugged one shoulder. "It's part of your job. I know he was shooting at us, and he probably would have killed us, or at least somebody else would have if he'd caught us. I don't blame you, it's just...hard to reconcile."

He was shaking his head. "No, I could have just wounded him, or..." he trailed off and pounded the picnic table with one fist. "No, you're right, I didn't have a choice." Then his face tilted up towards mine and he said almost pleadingly, "But you've got to believe that I didn't want to. If there was any other way..."

"I know," I replied, and I did. I reached out and placed a hand on his cheek, now feeling like I _had_ to touch him. "I know you're one of the good guys, because you just knocked out the other guards, and you only used your gun when you had to." I gave another little shrug. "It was just a shock to see Scarecrow the agent when I'm used to my friend Lee."

A sad smile spread across his face. "Amanda, you know that's why people in this business tend not to have spouses or even close friends. It's too hard to have to put that relationship aside when you're in the field. It's just easier not to care for people, and then you don't have to worry about them when they're getting shot at, or when they've been kidnapped, or when you tell them to stay in the car and they never do --"

We both realized at the same moment who he was really talking about. His eyes got a little wider, and I think mine did, too. My hand was still resting against his face, and suddenly I cursed myself for climbing up on top of the picnic table. What might have happened if we were still sitting next to each other...

But he gave a self-conscious smile, and reached up to take my hand in his. "Amanda," he said, as he laid our clasped hands on the table. "I guess it's no secret that I do worry about you."

"Oh, well, I do seem to have a habit of getting myself into trouble," I said cheerfully, offering him the easy way out.

He wasn't interested in taking it. "No, it's because I care about you." I think my eyes got even wider, and he rushed on, "As a friend, Amanda. I care about you as a friend."

My face fell. After almost kissing me...okay, maybe it was just two people keeping warm. At least, for him I guess it was. I tried to pull my hand back, but he grasped it more firmly. "Let me finish, okay?" he asked in a tight voice. I nodded, pressing my lips together, and he went on. "I know what you're thinking. I know what you said to me about that night in the swamp, and I think you were right." His gaze shifted, and he stared off into the distance, missing the look of amazement on my face. "But it's not that simple."

I could tell he needed a minute to gather his thoughts, so I sat there in silence, despite the emotions that were raging in my head -- hope, despair, joy, and wariness all circling around after each other. I still don't know what possessed me to make that "not exactly" comment. I don't know if I was hoping he'd follow me up to the Q Bureau and take care of some unfinished business, or sweep me into his arms right there in the hallway, or what. Maybe it was just time that I took a little risk.

I shifted my gaze back to Lee as he cleared his throat. "Amanda," he began, "I meant what I said before. You have no idea how hard it is to work with someone you really care for, knowing that their life is in your hands on a regular basis. If you're lucky, it doesn't impair your judgment, but I've seen more than one assignment go sour because two agents couldn't take the risks they needed to take. That's why the Agency has its unofficial policy against partners being romantically involved." He paused. "And if you're not lucky..."

His voice trailed off. "Dorothy," I said quietly.

He nodded. "Amanda, I didn't tell you this before, but...Dorothy and I were lovers." He paused for a moment and then went on, staring off into the distance. "We had become close after I joined the Oz network, and one thing led to another, and..." he sighed. "We had only been involved for a couple of months when she died."

Somehow I had already guessed something like this, from the way he had told me about her death. It wasn't just the death of a close friend that had bothered him so much (though that would certainly be enough, I thought), but of someone more than a friend. Someone that he had worked closely with, gotten to know a little better, had become romantically involved with, and then--

Oh. Oh my gosh.

Lee finally turned to face me, his eyes no longer warm and concerned, but bleak. "I can't go through that again, Amanda," he said seriously. "It almost killed me. I couldn't stand to lose somebody that way again."

I swallowed and returned his gaze. I knew Lee was a very strong man, but I also knew that part of that strength consisted of the walls he had built around himself to keep people from getting too close. Losing someone you love can do that to you. "I understand," I said quietly.

He regarded me for a moment, then smiled. "I also meant what I said, that night. I _have_ learned a lot about myself from you, and I appreciate it more than I can say."

Now I was embarassed. Besides, it was time to lighten the mood a little bit. "Obviously, Scarecrow, or you wouldn't be sitting here spilling your guts over my picnic table," I said with a twinkle in my eye.

His smile grew a bit wider. "No, I can't quite imagine myself doing this a year or two ago." Then he shook his head. "God, I'm sorry, Amanda, I was supposed to be listening to you, and here I am rattling on about me."

"No, it's okay. I think I'm a little less confused now." And I was. Sure, I was still unnerved to think that this hand that was holding mine had recently pulled a trigger and ended another man's life. But it was done to protect us, and I knew in time I'd come to terms with that. In a way, it helped to hear that he had problems maintaining even friendships, much less closer relationships, for the same reasons. And getting him to admit he cared about me, even if just as a friend, was quite a step.

But for now, there was a sink full of dishes, and another two hours till the rest of the household returned. "You know what you can do to make it up to me?" I asked, pretending to look serious.

Lee looked a little wary. "What?"

"Well..." I paused. "Do you want to wash or dry?"

He grinned. "Whatever Madame prefers," he said, rising to his feet and offering me his arm.

I placed my hand inside the crook of his elbow and let him lead me into my kitchen. Okay, so we wouldn't be repeating that near-kiss any time soon. At least I knew I had a friend I could count on to keep me safe. And if he just happened to be a gorgeous man with a heart of gold and a sense of humor that matched mine, who insisted he only wanted to be friends, well...

We'd just have to work on that.

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